Thursday, January 31, 2008

The Phone Call

So I made the call that I promised myself I would not do and my whole body was shaking out of fear coupled with anticipation. I wondered how someone who once use to make me feel completely at ease could now provoked so much anxiety within me. I mean, why should I be afraid to call him? He promised we would be friends forever, but I was more than afraid I was terrified. My stomach turned flip flops while I was waiting for what seemed like hours for him to pick up. For weeks I'd imagined what I would say to him if I ever talked to him again, but when the time came I could barely muffle out a single word. Waiting to see if he would even pick up the phone, I already had regrets about calling him. I'm supposed to be strong now, right? I'm supposed to hate his guts and not care if he is hurt or dead, but for some reason I just can't bring myself to feel that way. Why is that those who hurt and disappoint you the most are the hardest to let go of? Why couldn't I fall in love with the nice guy, the one who to this day would do anything for me, the one who would never embarrass me in front of my family, the who doesn't lose his temper with me, the one who would never lie to me? Huh? Why did I have to like the mean one? Then I heard it, his voice on the other end, and I fumbled to get out an awkward hello....We talked for a few minutes me working hard to fight back the tears trying to escape from my eyes and him remaining calm and collected. All I wanted was a few answers, all I needed was to hear him say sorry for the way he lied to me and easily disposed of me but he seemed to show no remorse. I suppose now I'm just another girl to him, but he used to tell me I was his rock and his world. After our brief conversation, I sat on my bed trembling in a state of emotional shock. I always thought that one more conversation would bring me closure but in ways it left me more wounded and confused than ever. I sat there wondering who this numb emotionless guy on the phone was. I wondered if he even realizes what a big jerk he is. Does he even care or has he brainwashed himself to think it's okay to treat people this way? I'm sure he probably makes fun of me now for not being able to let go because I've seen it first hand when he did it to other girls. I don't know why I was so naive to think he wouldn't do the same thing to me. All I wanted was to talk to my best friend one last time, the best friend who helped me get my life back in order, who laughed at me for my silliness, who worked out with me, who held me when I cried, who took me hiking, who started liking shopping because I did, who made me get over my past and start living for now and the future, who put a pretty diamond ring on my finger in a store one day. Where was that guy and why did I have to talk to this one? All I wanted was for my best friend to tell me that even though he feels like he can't talk to me that in someway he still cares for me and is proud of me for starting to accomplish the goals he encouraged me to set. I wanted him to tell me why it feels like he hates me and why he had to lie to me. I wanted to tell him besides the hurt I have from him I'm doing good and having fun, but I couldn't the words all got stuck in my throat and it took all my energy to keep from sobbing. I'm sure I probably sounded like the needy pathtic weak girl I've worked so hard not be. I wish that he didn't have to see that side of me because that is not who I am anymore. I know now that I am strong and part of that strength is having the courage to express my emotions and thoughts and never feeling like I have to hide them again. Yes, I am strong, and I know I'll get through this one my own, I've never been more sure of that, but I wanted him to know that his actions still hurt me and spark so many mixed emotions inside of me. I just wanted to let him know that even though he thinks I'm not "good enough" I've finally realized I AM!

Monday, March 12, 2007

Getting my Monkeys Connected

The craziness of my life goes on and on and on.
There are times in my life when I feel that if one more element of work, family, relationships or dealing with my past was added I would surely fall apart. Now is definitely one of those times. You know that game of monkey barrel that we use to play when we were little? How you loop one arm of a monkey to a leg or arm of another and try to get them all connected. That is what I feel like lately. I've come to the conclusion that I've got to stop running from my past and start progressing forward. In order to do this, I've got to deal with every aspect of all the things I've been running from for so long. It seems as though one thing is connected to another, and they've all been haunting me for way too long. Unfortunately, the people in my life right now usually get the back lash of repressed emotions left from those I've pushed behind me in the past, and I am truly sorry for this. Expressing that I will be moving forward, is definitely going to be the easy part, however, I am sincere in following through with my intentions this time. There comes a point in life where you just get tired of running and don't have the energy to fight it off anymore, and for the first time I know that I am finally at that point. I can be stubborn sometimes and because of this I think I've hit rock bottom more than once..... (more times actually than I would like to admit) However, I've always had a determination in me to make a difference and to help others, but because of my own fears of rejection, I've kept myself from seeking positions and opportunities that would allow me to do this. From this point on I'm not running anymore. I'm going to get all my little monkeys connected and win the game!!!

Sunday, March 11, 2007

My Life

What I want in my lifetime.
I want a life filled with more smiles than tears. I want to wake up every morning next to a man who loves me and wants the best for me. I want to work hard, but enjoy my time off with my family. I want to wear flowers in my hair and get flower bouquets from the one who loves me. I want to spend a part of every Sunday in bed reading or napping. I want to work out, but not too hard. I want to be active, but don't want it to take over my whole life. I want to watch movies that make me laugh and cry at the same time. I want to take baths every night, sometimes with bubbles. I want to wear pretty dresses and make someone smile because they are with me. I want friends that I know I could call at anytime for help or just to listen. I want to be able to help others feel better about themselves. I want to feel needed and loved.

Friday, March 9, 2007

Missing my doggie love

Sometimes when nothing seems to be going right, you just need to get some good doggie loving. Leaving my dogs with my parents in Florida, was honestly one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make in my life. Sounds a little silly to some, I'm sure, but there is something about love from a dog that you will never find anywhere else. It's so much easier to end a bad day when you've got your loyal companion by your side to cuddle with. No matter what you do they always seem to forgive you and never hold grudges. Everyday is a new day with them, a new day filled with sincere love, eating, sleeping, and exercise. What more could you ask for? My dogs know my deepest secrets, fears, regrets, and lots of other stuff, but they've always managed to keep it to themselves and not share it with anyone! They are great friends, and I sure am missing them a lot today. If I could find one person to love me like they do, I will be the luckiest girl in the world.

Tuesday, March 6, 2007

Haunting Images


It's crazy how much life can change in such a short time period. One day you are thinking about love, family, and your future and the next you're wondering how you will survive. I look at this picture with so much regret. Although I look calm and collected, I was wondering what my life would be like and was there any chance that our marriage would make it. Well, it didn't take very long to figure out that we wouldn't and leave me more confused and hurt than I've ever been in my whole life. I never really knew how much pain goes along with divorce. How could I? No one in my family had ever been through it. Everyone said it was a good thing we didn't have kids, and I'm sure it was, but that didn't seem to make it any easier. How long do you wait before you give up on someone? And when you do, will you ever find anyone that will love you again? I'm always envious of people that say they live without regrets and I really wish I knew how to do this. How do you put your past behind you? I'm afraid that my past has ruined my current relationship and I don't know how to fix it or what to do about it. I'm tired of feeling out of control and desperately wish that life came directions and a fairy God mother that granted you three wishes.

Sunday, February 18, 2007

Confidence, or better put, lack of it.

Walking down the street the other day, I saw this car and had to take a picture. I seriously would like to have the confidence of this car. My greatest weakness is my lack of confidence. Because of this I know that I’ve missed out on many opportunities because I was too afraid to try. This year I'm putting my confidence in God and hope that he will make a better use of my life for me than what I’ve made of it so far.

A few areas I would like to work on are my confidence in my work, my appearance, and my ability to share Christ with others. I know that my biggest critic is myself. I listen too much to comments that other people make or don’t make and then my imagination and emotions run wild with them. I need to stop trying to please other people and concentrate on making God happy and I believe this will make everything else will fall back in place.

I’ve recently come to the conclusion that all my confidence has come from relationships that I’ve been in. My whole life I’ve gone from one relationship to the next searching for someone to make me happy. Realizing this is a crazy way to live, I’m going to try being on my own for a while. I think it will give me time to grow and heal. No relationship will ever have meaning if I don’t value myself.

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Calm Mind

So Thankful.

Looking down over this valley today, I realized my life problems aren't as big as I make them out to be. Recently I've filled my life with busyness to quiet down the cries from my broken heart. Today my heart felt warm and full of life as I soaked in the sun on the top of a mountain. Last year was full of hurts, pains and disappointments. This picture represents me getting through tough times and moving on.

I'm thankful that God gives us second chances. I'm thankful for life, family and good friends. I'm thankful that you get more than one chance at love and I pray that next time it won't be anything like the last. I'm thankful now more than ever for good health. I pray for my Dad and hope that one day soon he will be free from addictions and pain. I'm thankful for my mom. I believe she was a gift from God. Without her I know I would not be the person I am today. She always wanted the best for me even when I didn't want it for myself. I'm thankful for the continued support and encouragement I receive from my parents. I'm learning more and more that this is rare and how blessed I am to have both of them in my life. I'm thankful for my brother and his wife who accepted me with open arms. They will always have a special place in my heart. At a time when I felt I had nothing, they made me feel special and loved. I don't think they will ever know how much I appreciate them. I'm thankful for the people that God has put in my life that encourage me and pray for me. I'm reminded of my favorite childhood song "He's still working on me," and I'm thankful when other people see this and forgive me for my mistakes and faults. I'm far from perfect, but always try to keep an open and humble heart that is willing to make changes. I'm thankful for the trials in my life because although they've left scars they have made me stronger. But most of all, I'm thankful that God forgives me and accepts me each time I come running back. I pray that this year will be different and God will show me my purpose in life and that I will be obedient to him.