Thursday, January 31, 2008
So I made the call that I promised myself I would not do and my whole body was shaking out of fear coupled with anticipation. I wondered how someone who once use to make me feel completely at ease could now provoked so much anxiety within me. I mean, why should I be afraid to call him? He promised we would be friends forever, but I was more than afraid I was terrified. My stomach turned flip flops while I was waiting for what seemed like hours for him to pick up. For weeks I'd imagined what I would say to him if I ever talked to him again, but when the time came I could barely muffle out a single word. Waiting to see if he would even pick up the phone, I already had regrets about calling him. I'm supposed to be strong now, right? I'm supposed to hate his guts and not care if he is hurt or dead, but for some reason I just can't bring myself to feel that way. Why is that those who hurt and disappoint you the most are the hardest to let go of? Why couldn't I fall in love with the nice guy, the one who to this day would do anything for me, the one who would never embarrass me in front of my family, the who doesn't lose his temper with me, the one who would never lie to me? Huh? Why did I have to like the mean one? Then I heard it, his voice on the other end, and I fumbled to get out an awkward hello....We talked for a few minutes me working hard to fight back the tears trying to escape from my eyes and him remaining calm and collected. All I wanted was a few answers, all I needed was to hear him say sorry for the way he lied to me and easily disposed of me but he seemed to show no remorse. I suppose now I'm just another girl to him, but he used to tell me I was his rock and his world. After our brief conversation, I sat on my bed trembling in a state of emotional shock. I always thought that one more conversation would bring me closure but in ways it left me more wounded and confused than ever. I sat there wondering who this numb emotionless guy on the phone was. I wondered if he even realizes what a big jerk he is. Does he even care or has he brainwashed himself to think it's okay to treat people this way? I'm sure he probably makes fun of me now for not being able to let go because I've seen it first hand when he did it to other girls. I don't know why I was so naive to think he wouldn't do the same thing to me. All I wanted was to talk to my best friend one last time, the best friend who helped me get my life back in order, who laughed at me for my silliness, who worked out with me, who held me when I cried, who took me hiking, who started liking shopping because I did, who made me get over my past and start living for now and the future, who put a pretty diamond ring on my finger in a store one day. Where was that guy and why did I have to talk to this one? All I wanted was for my best friend to tell me that even though he feels like he can't talk to me that in someway he still cares for me and is proud of me for starting to accomplish the goals he encouraged me to set. I wanted him to tell me why it feels like he hates me and why he had to lie to me. I wanted to tell him besides the hurt I have from him I'm doing good and having fun, but I couldn't the words all got stuck in my throat and it took all my energy to keep from sobbing. I'm sure I probably sounded like the needy pathtic weak girl I've worked so hard not be. I wish that he didn't have to see that side of me because that is not who I am anymore. I know now that I am strong and part of that strength is having the courage to express my emotions and thoughts and never feeling like I have to hide them again. Yes, I am strong, and I know I'll get through this one my own, I've never been more sure of that, but I wanted him to know that his actions still hurt me and spark so many mixed emotions inside of me. I just wanted to let him know that even though he thinks I'm not "good enough" I've finally realized I AM!