Monday, March 12, 2007

Getting my Monkeys Connected

The craziness of my life goes on and on and on.
There are times in my life when I feel that if one more element of work, family, relationships or dealing with my past was added I would surely fall apart. Now is definitely one of those times. You know that game of monkey barrel that we use to play when we were little? How you loop one arm of a monkey to a leg or arm of another and try to get them all connected. That is what I feel like lately. I've come to the conclusion that I've got to stop running from my past and start progressing forward. In order to do this, I've got to deal with every aspect of all the things I've been running from for so long. It seems as though one thing is connected to another, and they've all been haunting me for way too long. Unfortunately, the people in my life right now usually get the back lash of repressed emotions left from those I've pushed behind me in the past, and I am truly sorry for this. Expressing that I will be moving forward, is definitely going to be the easy part, however, I am sincere in following through with my intentions this time. There comes a point in life where you just get tired of running and don't have the energy to fight it off anymore, and for the first time I know that I am finally at that point. I can be stubborn sometimes and because of this I think I've hit rock bottom more than once..... (more times actually than I would like to admit) However, I've always had a determination in me to make a difference and to help others, but because of my own fears of rejection, I've kept myself from seeking positions and opportunities that would allow me to do this. From this point on I'm not running anymore. I'm going to get all my little monkeys connected and win the game!!!

Sunday, March 11, 2007

My Life

What I want in my lifetime.
I want a life filled with more smiles than tears. I want to wake up every morning next to a man who loves me and wants the best for me. I want to work hard, but enjoy my time off with my family. I want to wear flowers in my hair and get flower bouquets from the one who loves me. I want to spend a part of every Sunday in bed reading or napping. I want to work out, but not too hard. I want to be active, but don't want it to take over my whole life. I want to watch movies that make me laugh and cry at the same time. I want to take baths every night, sometimes with bubbles. I want to wear pretty dresses and make someone smile because they are with me. I want friends that I know I could call at anytime for help or just to listen. I want to be able to help others feel better about themselves. I want to feel needed and loved.

Friday, March 9, 2007

Missing my doggie love

Sometimes when nothing seems to be going right, you just need to get some good doggie loving. Leaving my dogs with my parents in Florida, was honestly one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make in my life. Sounds a little silly to some, I'm sure, but there is something about love from a dog that you will never find anywhere else. It's so much easier to end a bad day when you've got your loyal companion by your side to cuddle with. No matter what you do they always seem to forgive you and never hold grudges. Everyday is a new day with them, a new day filled with sincere love, eating, sleeping, and exercise. What more could you ask for? My dogs know my deepest secrets, fears, regrets, and lots of other stuff, but they've always managed to keep it to themselves and not share it with anyone! They are great friends, and I sure am missing them a lot today. If I could find one person to love me like they do, I will be the luckiest girl in the world.

Tuesday, March 6, 2007

Haunting Images


It's crazy how much life can change in such a short time period. One day you are thinking about love, family, and your future and the next you're wondering how you will survive. I look at this picture with so much regret. Although I look calm and collected, I was wondering what my life would be like and was there any chance that our marriage would make it. Well, it didn't take very long to figure out that we wouldn't and leave me more confused and hurt than I've ever been in my whole life. I never really knew how much pain goes along with divorce. How could I? No one in my family had ever been through it. Everyone said it was a good thing we didn't have kids, and I'm sure it was, but that didn't seem to make it any easier. How long do you wait before you give up on someone? And when you do, will you ever find anyone that will love you again? I'm always envious of people that say they live without regrets and I really wish I knew how to do this. How do you put your past behind you? I'm afraid that my past has ruined my current relationship and I don't know how to fix it or what to do about it. I'm tired of feeling out of control and desperately wish that life came directions and a fairy God mother that granted you three wishes.