Tuesday, January 30, 2007

A vulnerable heart....

Come In???
I've recently realized how delicate the human heart really is in regards to relationships. Opening up your life to someone else can be wonderful and rewarding, but it can destructive and hurtful as well. Until recently I never realized that I've held back in almost every relationship that I've been in. Even though I've never thought of myself as a controlling person, my past relationships have been all about me controlling the tempo and the degree of what we will be.
As I look to my past, I see where I shut my heart down. The point where I didn't let anyone else come in, was after my junior year in high school. It's a sad thing when your first love breaks your heart. It is even more sad when it controls your future relationships. Opening up your life completely to someone else, makes you vulnerable.... A risk that I was not willing to take. It is strange now that when I look back I can clearly see where my faults were, but I was so blind to them at the time.
Living a life of self doubt and full of self hate while trying to put on a face that everything is okay and beautiful inside, makes you very selective on who you will even let get near you. My whole life I've lived with not enough feelings..... not smart enough, not pretty enough, not skinny enough, not tall enough, not cool enough..... And so these feelings have carried me into every relationship I've been in. Since my first breakup back in high school, I've only gone out with guys that I just knew would never break up with me. Forget about true love and waiting for that one guy that would knock me off my feet, I just wanted to be with someone I knew would not break my heart or choose another girl over me. I needed to feel wanted and needed and loved, but would not reciprocate these feelings back to them. Not knowing how selfish I was, I became the heart breaker..... I was the one in the relationship that held back..... It was me!
Why did I hold back? Because I didn't like "Me" enough to give myself to someone. If I gave myself, my true self, than it probably wouldn't be good enough.... I didn't even know my true self. Years of hiding my feelings, left me confused about who I was. This in turn left me only getting into relationships that I could manipulate and control. I needed validation that I was pretty enough or smart enough but I couldn't get it from with in, so I tried half hearted relationships that only left me more scarred than when I started.
Soul searching can be a lengthy and tiring experience, but well worth the process. Seeing my past mistakes and failures projected through my life, has shown me that no relationship will work until I have a better relationship with myself. Currently I'm working on digging out the old habits of self mutilation in my life, and replacing them with self love, self respect, and self motivation. Also I know that no relationship is worth getting into if there are no risks involved. I want to feel vulnerable, but still am having a hard time letting go of complete control. I want to open the door to my heart all the way instead of half way.

Friday, January 19, 2007

Before a Rooster Crows

"Before a rooster crows...."
I'm thinking about my christian faith and wondering why it is so hard for me to share it with others. My whole life I've never really spoken up for Christ. I never wanted to be one of those pushy Christians that either got made fun of or were the biggest hypocrites. In doing so I think I've watered down my own christian faith. I do believe in God and that Jesus died for my sins. It's disheartening to look back at all the pain I've caused myself by simply choosing not to follow Jesus. I'm not quite sure why I care more about what others think of me here on earth than that of what God thinks of me eternally. Sometimes I don't really understand myself because most of the people I try to impress I wouldn't even want to hang out with.
My dad always shared his salvation story with just about everyone he met. I remember that I use to be embarrassed by it. I thought people would get offended or make fun of him behind his back. Now I admire him, because when he was my age he wasn't afraid to trust God completely. Even though the Bible says it will be greatly rewarding, trusting God completely can be scary and frustrating at times. Reflecting on my life so far, I see that I've done a terrible job of running my own life, so I'm not sure why I still fight to try to do it......but it sure is a daily struggle!!!!!!

Wednesday, January 17, 2007


"Modern Day Secret Garden"

Walking in downtown Gainesville, I caught sight of this quiet spot behind one of the main buildings. I think this picture really brings out the girly side of me. As a child I read the book and watched the movie The Secret Garden many times. I guess you could say I fantasized about having my own pretty, pretty garden. This place really reminds me of a modern day version. I know it doesn't look the same, but not many people take time to do any kind of gardening or to even make any special relaxation place outside anymore. As I grow older and busier, I've lost touch with hobbies and interests I had as a child. I use to love to "pretend Garden." I can't say that I every really had a flourishing flower bed or anything like that, but I did like to pretend. I use to get those cheap plants from the grocery store the ones that have pink on their leaves. I was so intent on taking care of them that I usually would water them to death. I also had spider plants in my room and one of my personal favorites an aloe plant in case I ever needed first aid for a burn. I don't think I would fall into the normal category as a kid--- I know I was a little odd. I was very introvert and didn't have many friends. I think having plants and animals to take care of made me feel like I was needed. Writing about it now, I realized I haven't changed too much. I still don't have a lot of friends (that's one reason I have time to blog), I'm still a little odd, and I do love taking care of my dogs. They love me and need me!!!!

Monday, January 15, 2007

First day

Today I enter into the world of blogging.... I have to admit it's a little scary for someone who likes to hide her true thoughts and feelings. I often find that I try to hind my own thoughts from myself. Seems kind of silly, I know, but that would be me. I don't always do things the easy way or the way they are suppose to be done. In fact, I almost always learn lessons the hard way. I wouldn't say that I'm a slow learner, although that may be the way it appears from the outside. I think I just give people too many chances. I wouldn't view myself as super optimistic, but somehow I always hope for the best in people and this sometimes (or most of the time) can have negative outcomes. Don't get me wrong I'm not looking for self pity, I'm just working on knowing myself a little better and growing in the process. I'm starting a blog to get my thoughts out, instead of trying to suppress them inside.

Today my mood is not so great.... Kind of sucks for my first day, but I guess I might have more to write about. My friend Josh suggested that I start my first blog with pictures since I wasn't sure what I was going to write about. He even helped me go out and take pictures today. I have to admit I did need the extra push. Something about putting myself out here on the Internet just seems to really rattle my nerves. One thing I definitely know about myself is that I've always been and probably always will be very indecisive. So for my first day, I have a few pictures instead of one. Even small decisions such as which picture will I write about today, or what shirt will I wear are very hard for me to make. This is why it doesn't surprise me at all the I will start out with three pictures instead of one. Maybe as time goes on and this isn't so new to me I will be able to narrow it down to just one a day but don't count on it.

My first picture is of my "friend" Josh. He is the one that encouraged me to pick up blogging so I feel the need to recognize him here. Kind of a weird picture to put up of someone, I know, but of course there is a story behind it. We've all had rough times in our lives but I can't even imagine going through what he has endured. To be told you have eight months to live must be a very scary experience. I say scary but I don't even think that word could come close to describing what he went through. It is hard for me even to imagine since I did not know him before his surgery. Josh was very sick for a long time and got the much needed liver transplant on March 26th of 2006. I admire him for many things but mostly for his perfect heart. He has
given me much needed encouragement and also brought hope to my life when it wasn't going to good. He is the hardest worker that I know and I respect him so much for this. Even though I've only known him for about 5 months, I'm so proud of how far he has come. He has quickly become my best friend and I am very blessed to have him as a part of my life. Any time I have a terrible day I know that I can count on him for support and he is always willing to listen even when my troubles don't compare to what he has been through. Thanks Josh for always listening.

Okay moving on to things not so sappy. Like I said, today wasn't the best day. This picture of the "Boiler Room" made me think of how many times I'm tested daily to try to reach my own "boiling point." Do you ever feel that you are part of that MTV show "Boiling point?" Sometimes it feels as though people just try to push your buttons on purpose. They'll just give you a sweet smile as though nothing is intentional, of course, but deep down you know that things aren't right with them. Sometimes I wish that we were limited to one bad thing a day instead of days where they all pile up. It would definitely save lots of tears. What is even more annoying, is when everything starts to bother you on these bad days. Things that really aren't annoying at all and it just adds to all the chaos. I'm tired of bad days I think I'm just going to give them up!!!

This fire hydrant for some reason represents my life lately. It seems as though both places that I work people like to "piss on me" kind of sounds like rough talk I know. I usually don't talk like this but something about getting my feelings out is making me feel better tonight. But even in the midst of everything I try to stay myself. Anyone close to me knows that I am an odd ball, and this fire hydrant definitely looks odd to me. It represents my goofy character. Plus it's name is rover and one of my favorite games growing up was red rover.

Well that's it for tonight. Maybe tomorrow's pictures will have more positive thoughts with them. We'll see what tomorrow brings...