I've recently realized how delicate the human heart really is in regards to relationships. Opening up your life to someone else can be wonderful and rewarding, but it can destructive and hurtful as well. Until recently I never realized that I've held back in almost every relationship that I've been in. Even though I've never thought of myself as a controlling person, my past relationships have been all about me controlling the tempo and the degree of what we will be.
As I look to my past, I see where I shut my heart down. The point where I didn't let anyone else come in, was after my junior year in high school. It's a sad thing when your first love breaks your heart. It is even more sad when it controls your future relationships. Opening up your life completely to someone else, makes you vulnerable.... A risk that I was not willing to take. It is strange now that when I look back I can clearly see where my faults were, but I was so blind to them at the time.
Living a life of self doubt and full of self hate while trying to put on a face that everything is okay and beautiful inside, makes you very selective on who you will even let get near you. My whole life I've lived with not enough feelings..... not smart enough, not pretty enough, not skinny enough, not tall enough, not cool enough..... And so these feelings have carried me into every relationship I've been in. Since my first breakup back in high school, I've only gone out with guys that I just knew would never break up with me. Forget about true love and waiting for that one guy that would knock me off my feet, I just wanted to be with someone I knew would not break my heart or choose another girl over me. I needed to feel wanted and needed and loved, but would not reciprocate these feelings back to them. Not knowing how selfish I was, I became the heart breaker..... I was the one in the relationship that held back..... It was me!
Why did I hold back? Because I didn't like "Me" enough to give myself to someone. If I gave myself, my true self, than it probably wouldn't be good enough.... I didn't even know my true self. Years of hiding my feelings, left me confused about who I was. This in turn left me only getting into relationships that I could manipulate and control. I needed validation that I was pretty enough or smart enough but I couldn't get it from with in, so I tried half hearted relationships that only left me more scarred than when I started.
Soul searching can be a lengthy and tiring experience, but well worth the process. Seeing my past mistakes and failures projected through my life, has shown me that no relationship will work until I have a better relationship with myself. Currently I'm working on digging out the old habits of self mutilation in my life, and replacing them with self love, self respect, and self motivation. Also I know that no relationship is worth getting into if there are no risks involved. I want to feel vulnerable, but still am having a hard time letting go of complete control. I want to open the door to my heart all the way instead of half way.